Get your Fucking Big Girl Panties On, its time to be who you really are....

As a woman who has graced the face of this planet now for over forty years, I never thought I would read an article by a young women who was taught the same thing I learned. Stay quiet, don't make a scene, be nice, smile and everything will be just fine.

REALLY?

I most certainly have a few things to say about that. You see when you are young and naive, as I was, fitting in the "group" was number one priority. You did not speak your truth, if you even knew what that was. You most certainly did not buck authority or talk out of line with adults. You smiled and took it even when gals and guys stabbed you in the back.

That followed over into marriage, where honestly according to him everything was my fault. It was my fault that he had issues, that he lied, that he cheated, that my parents hated him, that he nearly got thrown in jail for fraud. And for what ever reason, rocking the boat, calling him out on his shit was no where near the top of the list.

So I chose to take it, his verbal and physical abuse. I chose to live in torture because some where in the back of my mind, I heard the voices of many before me. Be nice, he will change, love him anyways, it does not matter that he treats you like shit. No one called him on his shit, not even me.

So here is a question. Are women believing the lies still that a demure women who bends over backwards, chooses to sacrifice her truth just to keep the waters calm, is of more value? Why do we still believe that shit? Why do we still allow boys, men, other women and authority figures to dictate to us how we should be?

Why are girls and women so terrified to call things for what they are? We are beautiful and powerful women! We wear heels, gorgeous dresses, get our nails done, or have our nose buried in a book, and you  know what, we still kick ass. Yes I did say that, and even when he or she screams that you don't care, or says what about my feelings, you can look them straight in the face and call it for what it is. Who cares about the fallout because honestly it has absolutely nothing to do with you! That is right, nothing!

I surely do feel looking back I should have called the bullies in school for that, bullies. I should  have told the cheating boyfriends as well as the one who sexually assaulted me, that they were dicks and reported them to the authorities. I should have told my dad that either he quit beating me or I was going to have his ass hauled off to jail, period. I should have been a pain in the ass, instead of trying to avoid things and pretend that everything was hunky dory. I also should have reported my ex husband for fraud and did what I should have done the moment I knew it was a mistake to marry him. I should have never walked down that isle.

But I was too afraid of causing a scene, having spent the money after all, didn't you follow through with what you said you would do? I believed that with all my heart and I felt that love would win the war.There is one thing I did learn, love does not win the war when you join the person in the ditch. Love cannot change a person who is unwilling to even consider your love. Love will never win the argument between you and your spouse when one bends to the will of the other. There is such a thing as standing your ground and not compromising no matter the cost.

But women are relationship oriented and men are not. Men see things in boxes and catagories and they regurgitate the crap that they hear online, from their own father figures or others in order for them to feel better about themselves. Sometimes you have to call them on their shit, and face the angry lion or bear down even if that means you have to walk away.

Many times I have had men in my life literally throw temper tantrums, women do as well. But it was a royal one, and instead of my normal behavior from the past, of 'what is wrong," or what did I do wrong" I faced him and said "Oh, so your going to throw a temper tantrum for what? I walked out of the room and I never bent my knee to his irrational demands. And you know what, that fucking felt awesome! He was angry, but I was angry too, angry that he would even consider my relenting to his tantrum. He got over it, and it is slowly changing. He is changing because I am changing. I quit blaming him for my shitty life and started taking a serious look at myself, my choices and how I viewed myself. Blaming men for the havoc does not solve the problem, it exacerbates it to the extreme. Resistance only breeds more resistance. So I am not ranting feminism here, I am ranting changing your own point of view, take responsibility for your own rotten stories and get over it already.  Because...

Love wins when you love yourself so freaking much that you absolutely refuse to sell yourself short. Love wins when you are picky about how you treat yourself, view yourself and stand firmly in your infinite self. Love wins and changes others lives when you have the courage to change yourself. If you want respect, then start respecting yourself in everything that you do. If you want trust, then start trusting your inner knowledge, gut instinct and intuition. If you self says get the fuck out of there now, then don't make excuses and try to play nice. People who play nice with others who's intentions are to do harm, will harm you. And all you can do is seriously look at yourself. Love wins and makes the world a better place when you follow your bliss and do what you love. Not what others tell you to do because nice girls, smart girls, good wives do this or that.

I mean seriously lets get real. Have you ever seen a man give birth? Would a man even be able to give birth? They weep like little boys when they have to pass a kidney stone. I have seen them cry in the hospitals over small things, and here women are having babies every moment of the day. If men think they are all that, then I seriously want to see one have a baby. It is time for men and women to grow up! But how do they know what that means if the women and girls in their lives do not love themselves?

Women are tough, women are kind, women are mothers, we are sisters, we care, we feel and we love to connect with others via conversation. Our minds are incredible and our bodies are amazing. So as women, why do we sell ourselves short when there is absolutely no reason too. Why do we rationalize our past pain, allow others to mistreat us, ridicule us and or abuse us, when it is not necessary.

We are seriously safer being our intuitive, infinite selves then to be something we are not. Do Not Apologize for who or what you are. Do not seek approval from anyone other then yourself. Do not love anyone more than you love yourself and most importantly never forget that women are the gate to heaven. That a man can never really truly experience the transcendence of himself sexually without a woman. We hold the power ladies, we hold the power to bring change to our world. We have the ultimate power to love beyond reason and we have the power to teach others how to love themselves just as passionately.

So put your big girl panties on and get the fuck over the stupid stories that you have said about yourself for eons. Stop whining and bitching about how terrible things are if all your going to do is sit there and complain. Instead, grab that super hero cape, and leap off the roofs  into the belly of your inner most being.

Write, sing, dance, Drive race Cars, become president of the United States for all I care. Just do it. Follow your heart and Love living life to it's fullest.

I must say I am proud of Kate Conway for writing her blog about her experience at Com con! She is brave and I commend her for it. I have a feeling that next time she goes, her being "nice" will not necessarily be the case when dealing with boys who have no clue, are immature and regurgitating the bullshit they have heard from others.

Stand up Women, it is time!

Promised Land

I used to think that the Israelite were pretty dumb people when it came to the stories of Moses and the wandering in the desert for forty plus years. I really wondered why they did not get it, why it was so hard for them to just take what was rightfully theirs.

And so over many years of my own personal and spiritual journey I am seeing better what their issues were, they were in fact the same issues that I face within myself on a daily basis. I can hear you now saying, what? Well let me explain or rather share my interesting point of view.

You see, when the Israelite walked into the Promised land, not too long after the Egyptians were drowned in the Red Sea,  they got scared. They did not really see the land of plenty, even though more then likely they romped in the grass, swam in the creeks, ate of the fruit and experienced the Land of Flowing Milk and Honey. It had not been long when they saw Yahweh deal with their former slave masters and now they are faced with a huge wall that reaches the sky.

Hum, well lets think about this. They are walking on green and glowing grass that is as high as the cattle shoulders. The water is clean, pure and beautiful and yet all they can see is that damn wall.

The enemy is too big, too tall, too strong, after all we are just lowly slaves with no weapons or means of attacking or defending ourselves. What? Really? What just happened a few days ago, maybe not even a week ago, the cloud that shielded them from the sun, their former slave masters drowned in a mighty wave, and they are crying that they cannot take this land, that is rightfully theirs?

Why did they not put down a picnic blanket, settle down with some yummy food and drink, play a little music maybe, do some dancing and rejoicing while they waited for Yahway to show his true colors? Why was it easier to run away, to cry and bemoan that God had sent them out into the desert to die? What was so difficult to remember that God had just dealt with enemies before and all they had to do was stand their and watch? Why the short memory?

I think I have an answer at least in my life. You see I grew up with the knowledge that God helped those that helped themselves. I was also told that God would take care of you, but you had to do the work. I also learned that if you really took God's word literally you would surely be disappointed because they were just stories, or metaphors for more esoteric philosophy. And so I learned to deal with the enemy of lack. I have stepped foot many times in the promised land of my own self, into the land of flowing milk and honey, where abundance was beyond imagining in all ways and I turned tail and went back to wander in the desert. Because really it just does not work that way. I have to slave for my money, I must work my brain and emotions to the bone in order to have, be or accomplish anything. Even though many times I can look back and see, taste,smell and know what the Promised Land feels like. Yet that Wall of immense height, width and stature with soldiers dressed in amazing Armour and I have fled, knowing that I a lowly person could not possibly take those scary guys on.

What I have failed repeatedly to remember is that I Am, I am a child of this universe and God. I am a daughter of noble birth with the attention of heaven firmly fixed upon me, my life with love that is beyond description. I am a part of the Great I Am.

And so because I did not see the value of my own self, the power that is truly mine, and the miracles that

exist in my reality every moment that I take a breath (Ha), I ran back into the desert and slavery once again.
I worked at jobs I hated, because it was easier to be an indentured servant then to stand in the knowledge of me. I studied my brains out at school and sunk myself into indentured servitude with the government for the hope that maybe I could be something better when I was done.

I have cried and complained, judged and belittled myself as well as others around me. I have not truly been settled and satisfied in the knowing of me, instead I have let outside forces dictate my feelings. It literally has been a roller coaster ride that scared the shit out of me, discouraged my inner soul and has affected and effected me, my husband, my step sons, my family. Everyone has been affected some how by my unwillingness to face the enemy of Lack that lives in the middle of my Promised Land.

  

So I am done. I am finished with running back into the desert. And so I have purposely laid out my picnic blanket on the borders of my land of Milk and Honey. I have set up my lovely stripped umbrella, dug around in the picnic basket, a nice drink, some snacks and my sketch book. And so I sit here in the presence of my own enemy, and I wait. I cannot wait to see the show, to watch the Divine take down the walls, to hear the cracking of mortar and brick coupled with the amazing fireworks show I know will follow.

I am having fun, enjoying the view, participating in gratitude and reveling in the mini vacation while I look forward to the majesty of all that is remake my life. Am I sitting idle? No, I am creating my business that comes from my heart. Sketching, sewing, talking to people about my clothes but I am not dwelling on the concept that Lack exists, because it does not.

The Bible, Koran, Bhagvagitta, and other Holy books talk about the abundance that is ours. The blessings and promises that have been made if we only claim them. I am claiming them now. I am putting my own divineness, the Univers, God, Jesus, etc to the test. Because I know they will come through. I know it in my heart and soul, and I feel it that soon in a matter of hours my Promised Land will be truly mine.

Are you willing to sit your butt down on the borders of your promised land and not fret or stress about the Lack of..... the enemy of ones soul is truly the belief that Lack is real and abundance is a lie. It eats away at the very core of yourself. It can chip away at the foundation of who you are, and tear apart the memories of your infinite self.

Are you willing to let the Divine tackle the wall that reaches the sky, without meddling in the the strategy plan? Are you willing to exist in your own world and reality of abundance even when around you the manifestations are lack? Are you willing to see that today you can change the course of your destiny just by how you choose to view your world? Are you willing to acknowledge that you are a divine creator with infinite possibility if you allow your true self to do what it needs to do? Can you get out of your own way?

My answer to those questions, the many hours I have laid awake and cried to all that is for answers; my answer is yes! I can and I Am doing that very thing. And I am so thrilled with the knowing that the land of milk and honey is mine. It is mine because I am loved, and because I deserve to be happy all the time. It does not matter what my logical left brain has told me for over 39+ years, what matters is that I remember who I am.

And so I sit back and enjoy the show. Would you like to join me? I surely hope so because the more people at the fireworks, the more fun it is!!

Surfs Up

Image Courtesy of Roxy.com

The last few weeks have been turbulent, rough swells and well foreboading watery depths. Change, or rather drastic change, inevitable change has for most of my life s brought a lot of fear and trepidation. Anxiety was my life and for many years, sometimes all I could do was semi breathe. But this time even though the waters looked gloomy and uncertain and it still does, I know I have my surf board. I can seriously choose to enjoy this ride, garner a few thrills, let the control go so I can have a blast, or I can freak out. I prefer to have fun, as freaking out is getting really old, really quick.

I listened to Abraham Hicks about waves, energy waves, vibration etc, the other night and,  it struck a cord. I am a water baby, a Pisces by birth, the ocean called my name when I was just a small child and water has always been soothing for me.  My ancestors surfed on the gorgeous waves in Hawaii and and water sings in my blood.

Imagine the joy of growing up on the West Coast, where waves crashed on rocks, sometimes strong enough to knock people over when wading in the surf. Of course Santa Cruz and other amazing surf spots are all the rage, as the call goes out, "Surfs Up" a mantra of all people who love the waves. It is a song, it hums and vibrates on every nerve, and the itch to get out there and catch that amazing wave is addictive, zen and everything that surfers dream.
When I visited the East Coast around 1998, it was July and the humidity was insane. We escaped to the Beach in New Jersey and I was stunned at the lack of waves. It was as if a bath tub had suddenly taken the oceans place, and it felt off and sort of weird. I was not sure what to do in it, swim, paddle, wade? But how, as it was too shallow and I did not have the nerve to swim too far from shore. It was alien to me, the lack of the noise that pounding water makes when it breaks upon the shore, pulling the sand and rocks, clacking and banging back into the liquid sea. And no one road a surf board.

It seems that in my life, I have for the most part preferred the less waves in my life. The emotional trauma, drama, stress and anxiety are all things I felt I could do without. After all those waves were monsters and I felt for sure that I would drown in the white hissing foam. It would feel as though I was dragged out in the dark depths, without a bottom and a current so strong I feared I would never make it back to shore.

But the Hawaiians and surfers who spend the majority of their lives on a waxed board know a secret. One must have waves in order to surf. Without them, surfing would be impossible. Sure you could paddle a canoe, or take a boat out and cruz along the glassy surface, but after a while the it will loose its allure. True we must have moments of calm, a respite to catch our breath and prepare ourselves for the next batch. There will be times that we try to stand up, only to fall into the water repeatedly. But perfecting your surfing skills, understanding the wave action, currents and how to get back on your board, would never be experienced if waves did not exist.

To put it bluntly, when waves of any type no longer exist, things are pretty much dead. You are dead when your heart flat lines, you are brain dead when the waves of brain activity no longer exist. Do we seriously wish to be dead, a zombie of sorts in the land of the living?

So what does this have to do with anything? Life is always going to be full of waves, up and downs, a heart rate, breathing, radio waves, electric waves etc all have crests and valleys. So how do you handle those up and downs, those moments of pure terror and utter awe? Surf it, hang ten, hang loose and enjoy the pure thrill of the water rushing beneath your feet.

Yeah you will fall off, that is a guarantee but your board is not far away. They leash the board to themselves for a reason, after all it is your only way back to shore eventually. But it is there, your board, your heart and mind all together in one place. The waves will rise and fall, they may not be much and you will have to sit out there a wait, but isn't that life after all. 

Do you let the drama of your life, people who irritate and piss you off, traffic, bills, lack of funds dictate how you will enjoy your day? I would most certainly hope not because seriously those are some awesome waves if you want my opinion. Would it not be easier to hang loose, laugh and smile, while you ride those breakers into shore?

So my fellow people, souls who live in this contrasting world. Find your surf board, because the surf will Always Be Up!

~Aloha

Jazzies Style consulting for Me

Jazzies Style consulting for Me by jeannine-kalua featuring yves saint laurent

Tired of the Bullshit yet?

Why is everyone so afraid? Why do we continue to chew on that piece of gum that has no flavor, sticks to everything and makes your jaw sore, just because you are supposed to have some story of fear to share? What are we looking for as a society? What do we think we need more of? Why do we cower and hide in dark places because we are afraid of what?

Why do we rationalize those stories, we just add a new spin to make it more interesting? What does it get you? Has it solved your problems for the long term? Has it eased the anxiety and fear that clamps around your heart and chest in the middle of the night?

Are we willing to admit to ourselves that we are ADDICTS to our stories of pain, fear and humiliation?

Are you willing to Get Clean? Get Sober? Face yourself?  

Addicted to Pain and Suffering

What if you were not as helpless as you want yourself to believe? What if everything you do, decide, choose and participate in every waking moment of your life is YOUR CREATION? What if no one else, including God, Buddah, Zen, Goddes etc. is not responsible for your choosing? What if you realized that, as an addict, it is so much easier to blame everything under the sun for your condition then facing your pain and fear?  Not easy to swallow is it, because when one faces one's self as an addict, you can no longer blame or judge others for being addicts can you!

What if joy and happiness is reality because you are supposed to be happy? How would that feel to know deep down that to be happy and full of life and joy is your life destiny? What if this was all just a dream and you could change it because you wanted to?

What if the truth is simple, that it is as simple as breathing? Would you or anyone have a reason to complain, whine, bitch, moan and relive the horrors of your past if happiness was a simple as breathing in and out and acknowledging that you are truly blessed?

 Are you willing to love yourself for who you are, an infinite being who chose to be here! Are you willing to stand up and say Bullshit to the ancient story of Lack, Loss, Pain and Sorrow as a means to destroy you? Are you willing to see everything that manifests in your life whether negative or positive is for the express purpose of experience and the priceless pearl of wisdom?

You tired of the Bullshit yet and ready to experience something new? I sure as hell am and yes, just as they do in AA, Hi my name is Jeannine and I am an addict! I am here for the pure purpose of sobering up, and actively creating a new life and experience for myself! Are you?


 

Fresh Start

It has taken several months for the structures that were built over the years to finally fall to the foundation. The cement is left, the things that matter the most.

Emptying out the few belongings from our house, only taking what we felt was necessary and could not replace we took with us. It fit in the back of our Truck. Looking at it sitting in its few boxes and such in my parents garage, I did not know whether to laugh or cry. We are literally starting over.

A few days ago I let my feelings and attachments, the stories and despair in regards to our house, stuff and the pain of many times having to do this.

Yes I cried a few tears, but in the shedding of tears I feel a lot lighter. I can breathe and I know that in due time we will once again have the home we have dreamed about. It has not been easy taking this house down to the foundations. Tearing everything apart within myself, our marriage and such but I know that in the aftermath of destruction the ability to rebuild what will stand the test of time is the most important elements one could ever ask for.

So We start over and we enjoy the building process because it is ours!

A River Runs Through It

A river runs through

it,

Really?

Have forgotten

the waters

lost in no mans land.

A crescent pushing

pulling me

Where?

A river begins without

attention upon it,

a trickle, small, minute

in its construction.

White foaming, crested

liquid flowing free

eager to greet vast

expanse of ocean

stretching into infinity.

Flow without restraint

liquid life

destroyer of all that

serves nothing.

Where are you taking me?

Crystal edge

billows along berth

of stream

how I long to flow freely

carry me swiftly

into the abyss of

eternity.

~Jeannine Kalua 2013

Water of Love

Clarity comes with great explosions of color that blind conscious mind.
To stand on shore,
light blaring as beats against drum
to realize that all is not
as it appears.

Stand on ground saturated
soaking deep
water pours forth
into sublime soul.

Screaming of ego
how dare one drown
that which cares of pure instinct
animal in its wrath.

A drenched cat
mewling in protest
slim legs move forth
into deep waters of unknown depths.

Drunk, lights glimmer on silver surface
hair long seaweed
wrapped and pulling
down, down down...

Lungs scream in protest
lack of oxygen tearing cells apart
death inevitable
body sinking, sinking
cascading into depths of unknown
origin.

Only to find solid ground
under slipper white feet.
Colors profuse in scales
fronds waving, caressing
against skin of pearl light.

Songs careen a mad chorus
against water logged ear drums
 bubbles rise
a note that surface is not far.

Inhale, at risk of death
yet
air fills lungs a liquid of blue
and green, buzzing in brain
impossible...

Floating, moving body
dolphin against liquid air
tears streak face
bubbles swirl
in mass, colors cascade
realization within heart.

Light in ribbons,
dancing with turquoise blue
green and orange
brilliant,
head breaks surface
sleek in its protrusion.

Fear alien
joy tastes as sweetness against
tongue, fills lips as cherry
juice.
Soul dances a light
across crystal crested waves.

Home in the water of love
soul surging, crashing
receding as heart beats
never ending.

~Jeannine Kalua 2013