Surrending to Emotions Illicets Strange Dances in the Darkness of Daylight.

It seems that as I age, and the years roll by I see more what I could have or should have done with my life, career, marriages, step children, parents siblings...I calculate how many years I wandered over the fields and valleys of life, without much direction; in fact lost most of the time.

I suppose I was looking for something. You know when you have that itch in the back of your mind that your missing something? You cannot put a finger on it, but you know for sure that you are most certainly forgetting something important.

Well I felt that way for the majority of my life, on a constant search for something I could not put a finger on, pin it down or even begin to explain it. I just knew, from the depths of me, I had lost something along the way.

Well I think I found it, except I am not sure what to do with it. That piece of me, the memories of lives long past, the dreams that dance in riddles around the peripheral edges of my mind. I see glimpses of her; she shows up when I am least expecting it, and then she is gone. A mist or ghost that you swear you saw, but is no longer present.

And so I ask myself...

How do I function in this hectic, stress ridden, money laden society when all I want to do is create? Those of us who skip on the fringes of the "list of success's one must achieve in their life time." I find that I have nothing that even comes close. Oh trust me I tried, I really gave it my all and seriously it almost killed me. My health crashed, and all I did was bleed, internal bleeding both physically and emotionally. I pushed on, determined to have it all, support myself because obviously the ex was incapable of doing it.

So I went to school, worked two or more jobs and toiled and drove myself into the ground. Until that moment when I knew I could no longer keep doing that. What ever "that" was, as I was dying emotionally and my creativity was drying up like an old damp rag tossed in the wind.  I was in the desert of nowhere, the land of no return and the sun beating on my head took me to my knees.

No it was not some religious revival, it was more surrender to something I can not name, or even identify in the terms of this new reality. It is something I often wake in the middle of the night shaking with sheer terror that I made a most terrible mistake. A cold sweat that wraps me in its clammy, chilly and humid arms, threatening to suffocate what ever is left from my soul. Wring out until the fabric shreds under the pressure.

And so I reach into the unknown, the territory that has no definition or solid structure, the reality of emotions and feelings. So when I touch the fabric from Hawaii, my body responds with goosebumps the size of quarters, and suddenly I feel over whelmed with emotion. I cry and weep tears all the while creating a piece of clothing into a something a human woman would wear.

And I ask why...

Why when our society is plagued with "keeping up with...fashion, career, income, vehicles, houses, vacations, the newest phones etc. Why does it feel that I am only contributing to the mass of consumerism when all I want to do is work with my hands, and that nagging logical self is calculating how much I can sell that piece of cloth, what I can get out of it.

 Yet everything I have already received; privilege of touching it, pinning it, envisioning how it will float around the wearers legs.Knowing in my emotional self that she will feel alive and stunning in my creation. And so the battle commences, the desire of soul for creativity, and the logical ticking calculator that won't always shut up.

 I know...

What ever I touch turns into something beyond my imagination and my soul cries out for more, and I hold back because I honestly do not know if I can handle crying again, so deeply crying that it exhausts me. And so I stand back, fighting the urge, throwing logic into the playing field, and my heart feels as though it were empty once again...is it possible to use both...?

“Tango specifically is irresistible to me because it represents the intersection of opposing forces. To name a few: sensual and mathematical, simple and complex, curving and linear, up and down, inward and outward, speaking and listening, motion and stillness, control and release. The challenge and the reward of tango is to hold these opposites together at once in your own being. It is a partnered form, which is in itself another experience of the union of opposites. It’s beautiful and lends itself very elegantly to universal metaphors, both spiritual and interpersonal. I have been transformed a million times through tango. It is an art form in which it is very easy for me to experience constant personal evolution.”
- See more at: http://joy-in-motion.com/index.php/resources/quotes_on_argentine_tango/#sthash.ICT4PSs8.dpuf

“Tango specifically is irresistible to me because it represents the intersection of opposing forces. To name a few: sensual and mathematical, simple and complex, curving and linear, up and down, inward and outward, speaking and listening, motion and stillness, control and release. The challenge and the reward of tango is to hold these opposites together at once in your own being. It is a partnered form, which is in itself another experience of the union of opposites." Sharna Fabiano

“Tango specifically is irresistible to me because it represents the intersection of opposing forces. To name a few: sensual and mathematical, simple and complex, curving and linear, up and down, inward and outward, speaking and listening, motion and stillness, control and release. The challenge and the reward of tango is to hold these opposites together at once in your own being. It is a partnered form, which is in itself another experience of the union of opposites. It’s beautiful and lends itself very elegantly to universal metaphors, both spiritual and interpersonal. I have been transformed a million times through tango. It is an art form in which it is very easy for me to experience constant personal evolution.”
- See more at: http://joy-in-motion.com/index.php/resources/quotes_on_argentine_tango/#sthash.ICT4PSs8.dpuf

“Tango specifically is irresistible to me because it represents the intersection of opposing forces. To name a few: sensual and mathematical, simple and complex, curving and linear, up and down, inward and outward, speaking and listening, motion and stillness, control and release. The challenge and the reward of tango is to hold these opposites together at once in your own being. It is a partnered form, which is in itself another experience of the union of opposites. It’s beautiful and lends itself very elegantly to universal metaphors, both spiritual and interpersonal. I have been transformed a million times through tango. It is an art form in which it is very easy for me to experience constant personal evolution.”
- See more at: http://joy-in-motion.com/index.php/resources/quotes_on_argentine_tango/#sthash.ICT4PSs8.dpuf