Vulnerable, Cancer and Community

I believe I was about ten years old, if I remember correctly. It was my first experience with death, not a normal death but a horribly painful death of someone I held so close to my little heart. She was in a way my adopted grandma, and even though I did not say it, I did not talk much at that age, but my adoration of her and her caring for me meant everything to me. She died of cancer, that Big C word that throughout my life has affected and effected me on levels so deep it has in so many ways been an excuse. The excuse that some where, some how, there is no gurantee in this life. That even the most beloved people will die or leave you. There is no gurantee of love, or success unless you follow the formula, the pattern or other illusions that we have paid for more than enough.

I remember standing in their house, she was almost gone and she looked so awful, in a way that I could not even begin to fathom. Her skin was yellow, and shrunken and most of her hair was gone. I could not stand it, the pain was so intense it felt as though I had been run through with a sword. And some how and some way I shut down. I closed the door and everything from then on was always at arms reach. I attended her funeral, and I felt as though I wasn't even there. I was there, physically there, but it was so surreal  that she was gone. That I would never, ever see her again. And all the "faith" in the world was not going to bring her back.

I have up to this moment, been scared to death of loss, of some how never being good enough to deserve life, love, happiness, success, fulfilment, an amazing life chocked full to the brim. Yes I have spent years in this process of growth but there is always something that we still have to face and be vulnerable within our own souls.

So yes, Cancer scares me. It has scared me beyond reason as people that I loved and cared for have died from all forms of cancer. It has been torture and in that process I have kept myself at arms length from empathy, sympathy, vulnerability and willingness to "sit" there and place myself in conversation with others who are or have gone through these painful experiences.

So what am I saying? I am saying that I desire fully to start a conversation with those who have walked, are walking or experiencing cancer on some level. I desire to sit with you, have a cup of coffee and listen. How can I be of service to you? This is no longer about my fear...of death and dying but placing myself in the place of support.

My heart desire to become more involved in the arena of the beautiful warriors men, women and children who wake up every morning with the realization that today is all we truly have. I want to hear your story, I want to know what needs are not being met, and I desire to hear what if anything could make your experience a little bit better, your life a bit brighter.

Can I start a conversation with you?