Tired of the Bullshit yet?

Why is everyone so afraid? Why do we continue to chew on that piece of gum that has no flavor, sticks to everything and makes your jaw sore, just because you are supposed to have some story of fear to share? What are we looking for as a society? What do we think we need more of? Why do we cower and hide in dark places because we are afraid of what?

Why do we rationalize those stories, we just add a new spin to make it more interesting? What does it get you? Has it solved your problems for the long term? Has it eased the anxiety and fear that clamps around your heart and chest in the middle of the night?

Are we willing to admit to ourselves that we are ADDICTS to our stories of pain, fear and humiliation?

Are you willing to Get Clean? Get Sober? Face yourself?  

Addicted to Pain and Suffering

What if you were not as helpless as you want yourself to believe? What if everything you do, decide, choose and participate in every waking moment of your life is YOUR CREATION? What if no one else, including God, Buddah, Zen, Goddes etc. is not responsible for your choosing? What if you realized that, as an addict, it is so much easier to blame everything under the sun for your condition then facing your pain and fear?  Not easy to swallow is it, because when one faces one's self as an addict, you can no longer blame or judge others for being addicts can you!

What if joy and happiness is reality because you are supposed to be happy? How would that feel to know deep down that to be happy and full of life and joy is your life destiny? What if this was all just a dream and you could change it because you wanted to?

What if the truth is simple, that it is as simple as breathing? Would you or anyone have a reason to complain, whine, bitch, moan and relive the horrors of your past if happiness was a simple as breathing in and out and acknowledging that you are truly blessed?

 Are you willing to love yourself for who you are, an infinite being who chose to be here! Are you willing to stand up and say Bullshit to the ancient story of Lack, Loss, Pain and Sorrow as a means to destroy you? Are you willing to see everything that manifests in your life whether negative or positive is for the express purpose of experience and the priceless pearl of wisdom?

You tired of the Bullshit yet and ready to experience something new? I sure as hell am and yes, just as they do in AA, Hi my name is Jeannine and I am an addict! I am here for the pure purpose of sobering up, and actively creating a new life and experience for myself! Are you?


 

Fresh Start

It has taken several months for the structures that were built over the years to finally fall to the foundation. The cement is left, the things that matter the most.

Emptying out the few belongings from our house, only taking what we felt was necessary and could not replace we took with us. It fit in the back of our Truck. Looking at it sitting in its few boxes and such in my parents garage, I did not know whether to laugh or cry. We are literally starting over.

A few days ago I let my feelings and attachments, the stories and despair in regards to our house, stuff and the pain of many times having to do this.

Yes I cried a few tears, but in the shedding of tears I feel a lot lighter. I can breathe and I know that in due time we will once again have the home we have dreamed about. It has not been easy taking this house down to the foundations. Tearing everything apart within myself, our marriage and such but I know that in the aftermath of destruction the ability to rebuild what will stand the test of time is the most important elements one could ever ask for.

So We start over and we enjoy the building process because it is ours!

A River Runs Through It

A river runs through

it,

Really?

Have forgotten

the waters

lost in no mans land.

A crescent pushing

pulling me

Where?

A river begins without

attention upon it,

a trickle, small, minute

in its construction.

White foaming, crested

liquid flowing free

eager to greet vast

expanse of ocean

stretching into infinity.

Flow without restraint

liquid life

destroyer of all that

serves nothing.

Where are you taking me?

Crystal edge

billows along berth

of stream

how I long to flow freely

carry me swiftly

into the abyss of

eternity.

~Jeannine Kalua 2013

Water of Love

Clarity comes with great explosions of color that blind conscious mind.
To stand on shore,
light blaring as beats against drum
to realize that all is not
as it appears.

Stand on ground saturated
soaking deep
water pours forth
into sublime soul.

Screaming of ego
how dare one drown
that which cares of pure instinct
animal in its wrath.

A drenched cat
mewling in protest
slim legs move forth
into deep waters of unknown depths.

Drunk, lights glimmer on silver surface
hair long seaweed
wrapped and pulling
down, down down...

Lungs scream in protest
lack of oxygen tearing cells apart
death inevitable
body sinking, sinking
cascading into depths of unknown
origin.

Only to find solid ground
under slipper white feet.
Colors profuse in scales
fronds waving, caressing
against skin of pearl light.

Songs careen a mad chorus
against water logged ear drums
 bubbles rise
a note that surface is not far.

Inhale, at risk of death
yet
air fills lungs a liquid of blue
and green, buzzing in brain
impossible...

Floating, moving body
dolphin against liquid air
tears streak face
bubbles swirl
in mass, colors cascade
realization within heart.

Light in ribbons,
dancing with turquoise blue
green and orange
brilliant,
head breaks surface
sleek in its protrusion.

Fear alien
joy tastes as sweetness against
tongue, fills lips as cherry
juice.
Soul dances a light
across crystal crested waves.

Home in the water of love
soul surging, crashing
receding as heart beats
never ending.

~Jeannine Kalua 2013 

The Road Less Traveled...Intuition will not lead you astray!

If there has ever been the hardest struggle for me, it has been to completely trust myself. I am not sure why as it seems difficult to pinpoint that moment exactly when my inner intuition no longer had the first say. It could have happened the moment I was born on this Earth, or it could have happened the millisecond that I stepped into church. I do not know and I am beginning to wonder if that really matters.

You see we are a society that likes to pick the problems apart. I spent over six years in college learning how to create theorys and thoughts supported by other peoples information that had to be legit. I also learned that for the most part, it was not "real" if someone else had not already published it and had been peer reviewed by others I would never meet in my lifetime. I was told that intuition and feelings were bogus and science and logic were king. Why? I think because we so fear the unknown.

We as a people in this world have become excruciatingly fearful of everything that we cannot even begin to fathom. So we come up with complex string theories and delve into ideas, concepts and scientific and critical thought in order to understand our universe. If we study the mind long enough, human behavior for ages and have hundreds of thousands of peoples fill out surveys and online studies then maybe, just maybe we will feel safe in our world.

But I am here to tell you from personal experience, the only time that I really was safe, was when I listened to my own inner voice. When I could hear that still small voice within my own soul that told me exactly what to do, and when to do it. Not before and not after but in that moment. I do not know how many times I have ignored that voice and chosen to wander off on my own, solve my own problems and honestly create more mess and chaos.

And so, I heard India Arie say on her interview with Oprah a paraphrase that Oprah said to her in that moment of crisis. "Become clear on your intentions and the Universe will rise up to meet you."  I felt this comment stir within my soul, as no one outside of yourself can honestly truly tell you what you  need or should do with your life. A true friend and hero if you will, is honest and brutal in their honesty almost. Love is also a sword and there are moments when a friend will point out that you are truly not listening to yourself.

Can you trust that you honestly do know? Can you take back the power and energy that you placed in other peoples hands in order to get your life back on track? The biggest question I have been facing is will this choice land me flat on my face...and yet it has not.

Granted things have fallen apart that I tried to construct out of fear and impatience. I have listened to others and placed my own power into the hands of someone other then myself. And yes the massive collapse was almost beyond what I felt I could bear. The ripping and tearing of all that I had believed to be true about me, was beyond pain. And yet, here I stand or sit rather expressing in this moment of once again, that yes, I can still trust myself. It does not matter what my husband says or others that I love push into my face because they fear for me. Yes they fear for me, because I am walking a path that is unknown. It is dark down there, it leads into bushes and broken brambles and no one in my family has supposedly followed that pathway. Granted in their youth they have banged around in the bushes and sought out new experiences, but honestly this path is unbroken. Because it is mine and only mine alone. But out of their love and fear for my self and well being, they hope and pray that I will not fall off a cliff  or bust my neck.

And I am grateful.

But I am learning to listen to me, to trust in me. Sometimes the light is so faint and the thorns and unfamiliar things on this path frighten me. But I refuse to believe that a God of light and love would deprive me of anything and everything that I need, want or desire for the mere purpose of teaching me a lesson.  And so I walk and struggle through the dense undergrowth into the very depths of myself, my soul, the stories I have come into this world with and the ones I have created while here.

I spend many nights and mornings in pure terror and then suddenly pure joy. I must say as time passes and I have begun the process of letting go of a lot of stuff; it gets easier, the path is becoming more smooth out and I am starting to notice more and more the beautiful scenery of my life.

It no longer matters that the news talks about the world coming to an end as we know it, nor does it matter that the numbers in my bank account are well in the single digits. Why? Because I trust that everything is already worked out for my greatest and higher good. I am trusting that my own intuition and higher self, that "good Shepard" knows exactly where the good grass is located, and the water is in plentiful supply. I am trusting that no matter how bleak it may look, it is only for a moment, and in the blink of an eye things will change.

It is amazing to be happy and laughing in the face of all that appears dark and dreary. I have been enjoying my life and breathing a lot more I will admit. My patience has been developing at a quicker rate and I am learning to Be Still and Know that I am God.  Yes my higher self and all that is, has their focus and attention upon me. I am never without guidance, answers or love even when I wander away and get stuck in a bramble some where. Because as most of us know, the good Shepard will hunt for his lost lamb until it is found. My true inner god will never let me out of its sight. And so as I bang around in the bushes, searching for the deeper meaning of my life and existence I can do so with confidence.

Life certainly is much more dynamic and full of multi-colored hues and facets. A diamond in the hands of a master stone cutter. If trusting myself and listening to my own intuition is the key to happiness and joy, then why suffer? I ask this question every moment and the only answer that comes back to me is, Yes, the joy of life is yours fully. Now relax and enjoy the ride!

Finding your Inner Creator - it is as simple as using your hands!

I have always loved working with my hands. There is something about being able to touch things, take it apart and then build it up again. Why in the midst of going to College I took a break and went to massage therapy school. Not being able to touch things, connect with elements or create things was truly a soul killer.

I spent over six years in school working towards a law degree with an English emphasis because I believed that was the only way I could create a living for myself, support my family and make a difference in the world. And one day my great uncle died and my life turned up-side down. Suddenly the landscape did not look quit so appealing, nor did I feel alive or able to function other then do the work and get the grades.

It seems that when people follow the very well worn path that others have said you must follow in order to receive A, B or C, the soul begins to slowly shrivel. We do not know it, more than likely we do not even feel it, we just know that deep down happiness is hard to find.  Until one day, something happens to wake up the soul, a little hint or glimmer but its so small its hard to comprehend.

For me that awakening happened when I sat down and sewed up an apron. It was not the best looking apron as I had not touched a sewing machine for over two decades. But when I looked at it, and saw the look on my moms face when she put it on, my soul did a little dance.

I feel that most people are creative whether you think so or not. Have you gotten your hands on something and used your skills to fashion your vision? It is truly amazing when you do and my brother in law did that this weekend. What is awesome is that he created something using his knowledge and foresight, understanding and well put together a pretty awesome little RC car for a little girl with handicaps. Why is this important?

Amazing RC Hot Wheels  

Because when you take that leap of faith in yourself, and put your foot out there in that nether world of no real worn pathways, living suddenly becomes the most amazing thing. It is a high, a literal high of energy, passion, creative flow, joy and happiness even when your beat from zero sleep! How is that for living and loving life, nourishing your inner self and replenishing the well that all of us hold in our souls.



Put your hands to something... it really will make a huge difference in your life!

Are you carrying other peoples weight?

To be emotionally vulnerable is something most people shy away from. I know I have up until recently for the very purpose of well, pain. To be vulnerable is to allow others access to your heart and soul, which as we all know is not what most of us are willing to do.

We may for a few moments when we meet that special person. We click, we talk and reveal things about ourselves that  for the most part I would not share with my pet, non the less a man. But some how we do, and we trust that our hearts will be accepted, not rejected by said interest.

Anyway, I discovered something the other day that blew my world as I understood it apart and left me in a place where I had to either trust myself or loose everything. You see, I had to let go of everyone and everything in my life. I had to release the pain, stories, quilt, as well as my few possessions and the people that I love the most. Why?

Well because I am choosing to no longer suffer the after affects of others that I cannot control. Yes you heard me right. I cannot control other people, my possessions, as much as I think I can, nor can I control circumstances that for what ever reason are, well the way they are.

Let me explain. I had this image of myself in a boat trying desperately to paddle up river, against the stream and maybe up some rapids. I was going no where, but boy was I tired, grumpy, bitchy, controlling and just plain miserable, which was making everyone else around me feel, Ich. Of course there were lots of others also paddling up stream and hurling things into the river. I of course thought, wow that makes sense, or that piece of trash looks like it would work for me and so I have spent the majority of my life adding all kinds of "weight" to my boat. Lets just say that when I looked in my boat the other day I had some serious water issues and I could not bail enough.

So you know, you get to this point where its pointless to even try any more. I have fought with who I am , I have denied that I am an amazing and beautiful being that deserves to be here. I have sought others opinions about myself only to be very disappointed in what they said about me, or how they treated me. And so the vicious cycle of picking up junk, adding unnecessary weight to my boat and then struggling to not drown hit me like a ten ton brick.  I can say I have not been partying it up very much. It has been more struggling to stay on my feet and just move forward a few inches at a time.

Coupled with stress and knee jerk reactions to things that have been going on in my life for the last decade I put on the lbs, dropped the lbs out of guilt and pure drive, only to gain them back and few of their extra friends. Which of course we all know this cycle as most of us play this out every day of our lives.

Until I said enough, I am tired of suffering for no reason. I am tired of living this roller coaster life of emotional highs and then deep dark lows every moment of my life. Sick and tired of paddling up stream and struggling with weight, with emotional pain, with just dark un happiness. I realized I could not do it any more. And the only way I could find freedom was to start letting go of the baggage that had been stock piling in my boat.

So yesterday morning, in my half asleep state, I let it go. Things, ideas, people, possessions, concepts, stories, judgements, my pets, my house, my car, the kids, the bills, the debt, the guilt of debt, and as each thing paraded by my heart, they seriously were trying to do a fashion show I swear, but hey at least I began to see them for what they were. They no longer walked by in glittering gowns, and masks or fake props, these ideas and stories were naked and I could see they no longer served me. So I got out of my way, I threw stuff out, one piece at a time until my boat began to slowly rise to the surface.

I feel amazing. I swear I have dropped a hundred lbs of weight. My body looks different, it feels totally alive and weightless almost. And my soul can seriously sing. Was it hard? No, not really, in fact it was down right easy because everything we say and do is a choice. We are never left without a choice, no matter how hard you want to fight against that one.

Why torture myself anymore. Why separate myself from my all knowing and wise/goddess self when that separation is unnecessary. To be separate from me, is torture. To allow others peoples pain, their issues and sorrow become mine is painful and I suffer. I don't want to suffer anymore, I value myself and my heart soul too much to suffer unnecessarily.

So if the situation is such that I must sit and patiently wait for answers or things to line up in order for them to work with ease then that is what I do. I am choosing to put on blinders if you will, to the stories that no longer work for me, in order for me to love myself fully. And you know what, my body is responding. No I am not dieting, neither am I in a gym beating my body into submission. I am walking once or twice a week out in the foothills on dirt pathways and roads. I am allowing myself the time to rest and take care of me when I feel it. I am choosing to allow my loved ones to be themselves and stop the obsessive controlling of them. And wow, what a difference in how my clothing feels when I wear it.

So yes, if you can let go, release all to God, Buddah, Your I Am, goddess or what ever else you see as a higher being, then do it. You will only reap the benefits and so will all those around you. Because suddenly you are not the bitch, the OCD person, the nasty one moment and sweet the next person. You are at peace within yourself, you are literaaly floating down the river, leaning back against the pillows, watching the scenery go by so that your abundance and joy, happiness and peace can show up exactly at the moment.

To live ones life dependent upon others, situations, weather, your children, your job etc. will only lead to more suffering, which in turn the body shields itself and weight but physical and emotional begins to collect. Does this sound crazy? You bet it does, but I would rather choose crazy then suffering. With crazy there is fun and laughter, with suffering only tears and heart break exist.

Choose to fly free both in body and in spirit. I know I am and I am loving every moment of it, and watching the miracles just flow into my life.

Peace to you all, remember that you are loved more then you will ever fully comprehend unless you choose to JUST LET GO!

~ Aloha