Are you carrying other peoples weight?

To be emotionally vulnerable is something most people shy away from. I know I have up until recently for the very purpose of well, pain. To be vulnerable is to allow others access to your heart and soul, which as we all know is not what most of us are willing to do.

We may for a few moments when we meet that special person. We click, we talk and reveal things about ourselves that  for the most part I would not share with my pet, non the less a man. But some how we do, and we trust that our hearts will be accepted, not rejected by said interest.

Anyway, I discovered something the other day that blew my world as I understood it apart and left me in a place where I had to either trust myself or loose everything. You see, I had to let go of everyone and everything in my life. I had to release the pain, stories, quilt, as well as my few possessions and the people that I love the most. Why?

Well because I am choosing to no longer suffer the after affects of others that I cannot control. Yes you heard me right. I cannot control other people, my possessions, as much as I think I can, nor can I control circumstances that for what ever reason are, well the way they are.

Let me explain. I had this image of myself in a boat trying desperately to paddle up river, against the stream and maybe up some rapids. I was going no where, but boy was I tired, grumpy, bitchy, controlling and just plain miserable, which was making everyone else around me feel, Ich. Of course there were lots of others also paddling up stream and hurling things into the river. I of course thought, wow that makes sense, or that piece of trash looks like it would work for me and so I have spent the majority of my life adding all kinds of "weight" to my boat. Lets just say that when I looked in my boat the other day I had some serious water issues and I could not bail enough.

So you know, you get to this point where its pointless to even try any more. I have fought with who I am , I have denied that I am an amazing and beautiful being that deserves to be here. I have sought others opinions about myself only to be very disappointed in what they said about me, or how they treated me. And so the vicious cycle of picking up junk, adding unnecessary weight to my boat and then struggling to not drown hit me like a ten ton brick.  I can say I have not been partying it up very much. It has been more struggling to stay on my feet and just move forward a few inches at a time.

Coupled with stress and knee jerk reactions to things that have been going on in my life for the last decade I put on the lbs, dropped the lbs out of guilt and pure drive, only to gain them back and few of their extra friends. Which of course we all know this cycle as most of us play this out every day of our lives.

Until I said enough, I am tired of suffering for no reason. I am tired of living this roller coaster life of emotional highs and then deep dark lows every moment of my life. Sick and tired of paddling up stream and struggling with weight, with emotional pain, with just dark un happiness. I realized I could not do it any more. And the only way I could find freedom was to start letting go of the baggage that had been stock piling in my boat.

So yesterday morning, in my half asleep state, I let it go. Things, ideas, people, possessions, concepts, stories, judgements, my pets, my house, my car, the kids, the bills, the debt, the guilt of debt, and as each thing paraded by my heart, they seriously were trying to do a fashion show I swear, but hey at least I began to see them for what they were. They no longer walked by in glittering gowns, and masks or fake props, these ideas and stories were naked and I could see they no longer served me. So I got out of my way, I threw stuff out, one piece at a time until my boat began to slowly rise to the surface.

I feel amazing. I swear I have dropped a hundred lbs of weight. My body looks different, it feels totally alive and weightless almost. And my soul can seriously sing. Was it hard? No, not really, in fact it was down right easy because everything we say and do is a choice. We are never left without a choice, no matter how hard you want to fight against that one.

Why torture myself anymore. Why separate myself from my all knowing and wise/goddess self when that separation is unnecessary. To be separate from me, is torture. To allow others peoples pain, their issues and sorrow become mine is painful and I suffer. I don't want to suffer anymore, I value myself and my heart soul too much to suffer unnecessarily.

So if the situation is such that I must sit and patiently wait for answers or things to line up in order for them to work with ease then that is what I do. I am choosing to put on blinders if you will, to the stories that no longer work for me, in order for me to love myself fully. And you know what, my body is responding. No I am not dieting, neither am I in a gym beating my body into submission. I am walking once or twice a week out in the foothills on dirt pathways and roads. I am allowing myself the time to rest and take care of me when I feel it. I am choosing to allow my loved ones to be themselves and stop the obsessive controlling of them. And wow, what a difference in how my clothing feels when I wear it.

So yes, if you can let go, release all to God, Buddah, Your I Am, goddess or what ever else you see as a higher being, then do it. You will only reap the benefits and so will all those around you. Because suddenly you are not the bitch, the OCD person, the nasty one moment and sweet the next person. You are at peace within yourself, you are literaaly floating down the river, leaning back against the pillows, watching the scenery go by so that your abundance and joy, happiness and peace can show up exactly at the moment.

To live ones life dependent upon others, situations, weather, your children, your job etc. will only lead to more suffering, which in turn the body shields itself and weight but physical and emotional begins to collect. Does this sound crazy? You bet it does, but I would rather choose crazy then suffering. With crazy there is fun and laughter, with suffering only tears and heart break exist.

Choose to fly free both in body and in spirit. I know I am and I am loving every moment of it, and watching the miracles just flow into my life.

Peace to you all, remember that you are loved more then you will ever fully comprehend unless you choose to JUST LET GO!

~ Aloha