Madonna or Cleopatra?

Our society has a very interesting point of view in regards to dressing. For example if your a little loose in the morals department, you would dress in revealing clothing, show more skin then was appropriate etc. Our husbands and partners are more than likely to be stolen by such loose women. After all it is all about sex appeal, because honestly that is what men are really after.

UN-realistic expectations

Reality of being a modern wife...

Well I don't buy it and here is the reason why. I was the "other" women for several years, and I did not dress any different than I dress now. Granted I dressed up more, went out more and wore dresses more, with nice undies underneath. But how I dressed had nothing to do with loose morals. You might say that I had very loose morals after all why would I date a married man? I dated married men because I did not want a traditional relationship. I liked the freedom of having fun, going out for dinner, and having really amazing conversations with adults. I did not want him as my partner, I wanted to have fun. And I wanted to really gain a grasp on why men chose to cheat on their wives.

Yes I can hear the screaming now! But I am here to tell you not to pay attention the  scantily clad women as potential threats to your marriage. I am saying to pay attention to yourself and what really causes good, honest men, who love their wives and children to cheat. YES I did say love their wives because they do!
 He will not stray if he is happy at home. Happy at home, with wife and kids, his career and friends, activities and unless he is desperate, a good husband will not stray.  But what is happy to a man?

The number one complaint that I heard from all of the men I spent time with consisted of this. "She is no longer interested in sex or romance with me." Now hold onto your hats ladies because this is something that our mothers, grandmothers and other women have not shared with us.

In order for men to connect emotionally with their wife, they must be able to participate in sexual activity, a lot! But they will loose interest in their wives if: She no longer shows interest when they are together, and a good husband will not force the issue. They will bite their lip, and not say anything when they are refused. They view refusal as, the constant list of things she wants him to do when he is home, how the kids did or did not do well at school. He views refusal as the bedtime routine that most couples follow when they have been together for a while. He views refusal as you not jumping his bones when he walks in the room. He views dis-interest in him  by your not listening to him, period.

Sounds silly right? But it is not and it is very serious for men. They can hold out for long periods of time, they can even go years and years of marriage before they finally have that fling.  But what if you are emotionally insecure about yourself? What if he has been trying to support you, encourage you in your self and maybe even rescue you if you will and you refuse to receive his efforts? What if he told you that you looked beautiful and he desired you and all you did was growl about your sagging ass, wide hips and thighs? Or that belly over hang that you absolutely hate? What if he did not care how your body looked per-say because he loved you? What if all he wanted to do was just touch you, caress your skin and melt with you so that he can emotionally open up to you? What if all he wanted and needed was for you to sit and listen to him, without your insecurities and fears raising their ugly head so that he too could express how he feels?

Kind of a tough pill to swallow! I know because as a wife I fall into that above listed questions. I find that my stories of how a wife is supposed to be, behave, act, react and all the jobs that are we are some how engrained to follow, and we find ourselves upset, angry and frustrated with our spouse when he begins to retreat. It is ironic because I was married before and my first husband cheated on me along with other things. But after six years he left and moved in with the other women. I was devastated, broken and had no clue what or who I was. After a few years of healing I figured I needed to know why men cheat and so the "study" began. I found it was easy to date married men as most of them did not want a relationship with me other then the mistress. Worked great for me because I could go do what ever I wanted, when I wanted it without the constant checking up on me that the ex husband used to do. It worked for him as well. He could have the experience of fun sex, have good conversations about things other than the kids, bills, and his responsibilities. We could talk about philosophy, politics, religion, history, the latest wars and reasons, the cool thing he read in Time or the New Yorker.

And then I fell in love and broke my own rules and allowed my heart to open up to a really awesome guy. But hello, I have those conversations about my hips and thighs, he tells me that he loves me and desires me and I poo poo it. How could you want someone shaped like me? And yet, men before wanted me and wanted me bad! I find that a lot of time I am not interested in sex, because I am tired, or I have a million and one other things to do. It has only been recent that I am dressing more vs jeans and t-shirts which I am sorry never really make you feel sexy and sensual.

So what changed?

The story changed! The job description changed, that's all.  And how vulnerable women really want to be...

A mistress is vulnerable. She allows him to see her naked, scantily clad, and emotionally open to his advances. She prepares for his advances and looks forward to his touch. She anticipates his smile, craves his touch and thinks of nothing other then being with him for those few moments.She cuddles with him and calls him silly names, and all those other annoying things married women roll their eyes at. She is woman and if she is good, she knows how to play it. She exaggerates her gratitude for his helping her do something, and knows how to stroke his male ego just enough to get what she wants. She is the Marilyn Monroe - the all woman who "needs" a man to fulfill her life. And even if she has the IQ of a genius, educated and a career women, she knows and understands the power of the feminine to not only satisfy him but herself as well.
A mistress listens, supports, and makes the moment with her all about him. And men eat it up, even if he has been married a very long time.

 Married men hardly ever leave their wives, especially if they never get caught. The media has a tendency to distort things like that. Married men talk about their wives, their family, their fears and frustrations. They have fantastic fun spontaneous sex, they take some risk and then they go home. They feel guilty about it, hate that they have to do it on a level, but because if she is a good mistress, he will come back for more....


Until things change, until the wife realizes that something is wrong. But what usually transpires is he is caught, the emotional upheaval begins and the relationship usually falls apart. There is anger, rage, and rightly so for both parties have betrayed each other.

They have betrayed themselves by an unwillingness to listen and acknowledge that both have done their best with the information that they have had up to that point.  They have held expectations that they have not been able to meet. They have held onto stories about who they are, and what roles they were supposed to play. They have both worn a million hats, donned the super hero cape and tried to be lovers when exhausted. They have lost their vision and dreams and he knows he can no longer be the knight in shining armor and she is the old hag and not the pretty princess. They do not understand the importance of their own unique power and that it is not a war or battle field but a garden that each person has an important part in the function of that amazing and beautiful space.

But as women we have the responsibility to be willing to find out who we really are and what we want and desire from life. In order for change to occur it must start from within you, not the person who you think needs to change. If you are not happy with yourself, you will not be happy, loving or patient with your husband, kids, pets, other drivers, annoying friends etc. If you tear yourself up because you believe that you are not perfect, your body sags in places, then maybe its time to learn how to be gentle with yourself.
 
We have to get over ourselves. Seriously women do. We have to start asking the questions of why we are not happy, what is lacking, what were your dreams and why things may not always been working the way you want or desire them too. I know many women who are stunned at their husbands affair. They cannot wrap their minds around it because they have DONE everything to support, love, take care of kids, do his laundry, help earn the money, take kids to sporting events, and the list goes on and on.

So how do you affair proof your marriage?

Make time every morning and every evening to be grateful. If you are grateful you will also find that gratitude influencing everything in your life.  

1. Start  looking at yourself and taking responsibility for your actions and behaviors.
2. Sit down and shut up and pay attention to your inner self and what your god, goddess, Buddha or other belief system is saying. Ask questions about your past stories and belief systems. If it not working, find one that is and give yourself room to grow.
3. Allow yourself to be feminine - wear more dresses, skirts and clothing that feels good to you!
4. A little make up and jewelry goes a long way because it makes you feel good. Notice I am giving you a list of things that can make you feel amazing and good.
5. Trust yourself and relax a little on the house keeping, laundry and kids.
6. Do something that you love to do, painting, music, gardening etc.
7. Give your self kudo's for everything that you feel you accomplished, a pat on the back never hurt anyone.
8. Lighten up and have some fun!
9. Buy yourself flowers, that piece of jewelry you have been dying for instead of hinting to hubby and getting pissed off because he didn't get the subtle hints!
10. Stop the nagging when he does not respond a nano second when asked.
11. Learn how to do an amazing BJ because you desire to pleasure your man, not because you have too. If you feel you have too, he will know and it will not be as much fun for him. Trust me, most men feel horrible when you do something because you Have too!
12. Find a perfume or natural scent that gets your sense's tingling, gives you some chills or sends you into Euphoria.
13. Send naughty text messages and Follow through!
14. Loosen up on the modesty and find what feels good to you when out in public. That could be no panties, a thong, g-string, lace boy cuts.
15. In relation to number 14, start a lingerie  collection because you love the feeling of lace and satin against your skin.
16. Last but not least - learn how to play and have fun again.

Your husband will be shocked at your transformation and so will you! Be willing to receive his love, his way instead of what you think it should be. And be patient and loving with yourself first and foremost. Stop the torture and self loathing, the quest for that illusion of perfection and become once again that young beautiful women that he originally fell in love with.

So I am most certainly not writing this from the pointing fingers point of view, or that I have all the answers. I am writing from what I have experienced and am experiencing now! I have sat and I do sit on both sides of the table, and yes there are times where I do not care how he feels about anything. Its normal, its human and its ok as long as the both of you can communicate that. Everything we do, and experience whether positive or negative is not Wrong or Right. It is for the express experience in gaining wisdom, learning to see and love yourself.

So if you desire to be happy, and be at peace, start with yourself and how you view life. It could most certainly change everything and create an amazing life that you had only hoped for!

A side note: There is so much to this topic that I am sure I will write more on it...there is no way to put every relationship and affair into a nutshell as each couple and people are different. But from my experience over the years there are certain patterns and stories that stand out. And so I hope to accomplish with this blog and others that follow, a way from women to begin living their lives for themselves, enjoying the love of their husbands and families and be willing to receive, let go of control and fear and love living a fully dimensional life!