You see we are a society that likes to pick the problems apart. I spent over six years in college learning how to create theorys and thoughts supported by other peoples information that had to be legit. I also learned that for the most part, it was not "real" if someone else had not already published it and had been peer reviewed by others I would never meet in my lifetime. I was told that intuition and feelings were bogus and science and logic were king. Why? I think because we so fear the unknown.
We as a people in this world have become excruciatingly fearful of everything that we cannot even begin to fathom. So we come up with complex string theories and delve into ideas, concepts and scientific and critical thought in order to understand our universe. If we study the mind long enough, human behavior for ages and have hundreds of thousands of peoples fill out surveys and online studies then maybe, just maybe we will feel safe in our world.
But I am here to tell you from personal experience, the only time that I really was safe, was when I listened to my own inner voice. When I could hear that still small voice within my own soul that told me exactly what to do, and when to do it. Not before and not after but in that moment. I do not know how many times I have ignored that voice and chosen to wander off on my own, solve my own problems and honestly create more mess and chaos.
And so, I heard India Arie say on her interview with Oprah a paraphrase that Oprah said to her in that moment of crisis. "Become clear on your intentions and the Universe will rise up to meet you." I felt this comment stir within my soul, as no one outside of yourself can honestly truly tell you what you need or should do with your life. A true friend and hero if you will, is honest and brutal in their honesty almost. Love is also a sword and there are moments when a friend will point out that you are truly not listening to yourself.
Can you trust that you honestly do know? Can you take back the power and energy that you placed in other peoples hands in order to get your life back on track? The biggest question I have been facing is will this choice land me flat on my face...and yet it has not.
Granted things have fallen apart that I tried to construct out of fear and impatience. I have listened to others and placed my own power into the hands of someone other then myself. And yes the massive collapse was almost beyond what I felt I could bear. The ripping and tearing of all that I had believed to be true about me, was beyond pain. And yet, here I stand or sit rather expressing in this moment of once again, that yes, I can still trust myself. It does not matter what my husband says or others that I love push into my face because they fear for me. Yes they fear for me, because I am walking a path that is unknown. It is dark down there, it leads into bushes and broken brambles and no one in my family has supposedly followed that pathway. Granted in their youth they have banged around in the bushes and sought out new experiences, but honestly this path is unbroken. Because it is mine and only mine alone. But out of their love and fear for my self and well being, they hope and pray that I will not fall off a cliff or bust my neck.
And I am grateful.
But I am learning to listen to me, to trust in me. Sometimes the light is so faint and the thorns and unfamiliar things on this path frighten me. But I refuse to believe that a God of light and love would deprive me of anything and everything that I need, want or desire for the mere purpose of teaching me a lesson. And so I walk and struggle through the dense undergrowth into the very depths of myself, my soul, the stories I have come into this world with and the ones I have created while here.
I spend many nights and mornings in pure terror and then suddenly pure joy. I must say as time passes and I have begun the process of letting go of a lot of stuff; it gets easier, the path is becoming more smooth out and I am starting to notice more and more the beautiful scenery of my life.
It no longer matters that the news talks about the world coming to an end as we know it, nor does it matter that the numbers in my bank account are well in the single digits. Why? Because I trust that everything is already worked out for my greatest and higher good. I am trusting that my own intuition and higher self, that "good Shepard" knows exactly where the good grass is located, and the water is in plentiful supply. I am trusting that no matter how bleak it may look, it is only for a moment, and in the blink of an eye things will change.
It is amazing to be happy and laughing in the face of all that appears dark and dreary. I have been enjoying my life and breathing a lot more I will admit. My patience has been developing at a quicker rate and I am learning to Be Still and Know that I am God. Yes my higher self and all that is, has their focus and attention upon me. I am never without guidance, answers or love even when I wander away and get stuck in a bramble some where. Because as most of us know, the good Shepard will hunt for his lost lamb until it is found. My true inner god will never let me out of its sight. And so as I bang around in the bushes, searching for the deeper meaning of my life and existence I can do so with confidence.
Life certainly is much more dynamic and full of multi-colored hues and facets. A diamond in the hands of a master stone cutter. If trusting myself and listening to my own intuition is the key to happiness and joy, then why suffer? I ask this question every moment and the only answer that comes back to me is, Yes, the joy of life is yours fully. Now relax and enjoy the ride!
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